The Matrix IN FF8
by rampage tonberry
Summary: The Matrix scenarios with the FF8 Charachters. Strange and profanic. Your favorite demented, sick Matrix parody is finally back when the crew goes to see The Oracle!
1. The Beginning

The Matrix FF8 Style  
(code flicks across the screen)  
Rinoa: Seifer, are you sure this line is clean?  
Seifer: Yeah sure babe, of course. Continue...  
Rinoa: Okay, so I pull down your pants and...  
Seifer: Not with that! Do you think that he's "the one"?  
Rinoa: Um... sure Seifer! But back to...  
-dial-tone-   
(Squall is at the desk in his room, passed out drunk on the desk and listening to Eyes on Me, which was on repeat. The word 'search' is on his computer, and pornographic images filter across the screen. Then the screen goes black and text appears)  
  
Wake up, Leo... I want you baby, I want you so bad...  
(Squall picks up his head and watches the rest with interest)  
You're so hot... I wish I could just be there with you...  
Slide my hands into your tight leather pants...  
Feel around for what I want...  
Massage you for a minute...  
Slide off your pants...  
Suck you off...  
If you want me too, baby, follow the bitch with the ponytail.  
Ding dong baby.  
  
(The doorbell rings)  
(Squall breaks his eyes away from the seductive text to open the door)  
  
(At the door stands the Conceited SeeD (CSD) and the Girl With Ponytail (GWP), as well as a few other nameless thugs)  
  
CSD: Hey lionass you got it?  
Squall: yeh, right over here. (he goes to his bookstand, opens GF JUNCTIONING AND YOU, and takes out a list of the answers to all of the SeeD tests)  
Squall: you got the money?  
CSD: right here. Ten grand, in gil. (Squall hands him the list in exchange for the money)  
CSD: you're my savior, man. My own personal member of the Hyne. Hey wait, you look pale.  
Squall: I've looked pale for five minutes and you didn't notice.  
CSD: well, I felt like statin the obvious. I'm going to go get drunk. Hey ponytail bitch, should he come?  
GWP: Well... (giggle) I think that he'd fit right in... and he'd have a great time... What do you say? (She hangs on the CSD, and her ponytail swishes.)  
Squall: uh... okay...  
  
(Loud... piano? music plays. Squall is sitting in a bar/club. The people who brought him here are busy making out and getting wasted. Squall is pretty much alone. A girl in a really tight leather catsuit walks by)  
Rinoa: rowr... Leo... (She sits in his lap and whispers in his ear) you're looking for him, I know it.. but you're looking for a different reason I went looking... I heard that he was a pimp and looking to hire but it turns out he isn't. he knows the secret of the universe or something like that. I'm just in it for the sex. But anyway back to what he told me to say. Um... we're looking for you but you're looking for answers and they look sexy but they can kill you and um I forgot but basically watch out and don't do anything that I wouldn't do which is practically nothing. (She gets up and disappears)  
Squall: what was that?...  
(the piano music turns into an alarm)  
Squall: SHIT I've got work!  
  
(Cid sits at a desk, Squall stands in his line of vision. Moombas are washing the floor and making horrible squeaking noises with the sponges)  
(Cid rambles on for about ten or fifteen minutes and Squall looks bored)  
Cid: now you have a choice. Stay here and work for me or survive the torture chamber of doom!  
Squall: uh... I'll take the torture chamber.  
Cid: I can't let you do that. You'll stay and work here. Go to your desk and stay there, infidel! you are my slave!  
Squall: I'll just be getting to my desk now...  
  
(Squall walks to his little desk in the classroom. a Garden Faculty member comes and hands him a UPS envelope with a phone in it. Squall takes it out and it starts to ring)  
  
Guy on Phone: do you know who this is?  
Squall: uh... Zidane?  
Guy on Phone: no.  
Squall: Morpehus?  
Guy on Phone: wrong.  
Squall: Dr. Kadawaki?  
Guy on Phone: NO!!!  
Squall: uh... Shrek?  
Guy on Phone: NO! I'm Nida, remember?  
Squall: Nida?  
Nida: just... just forget it. well, there are some guys looking for you. stand up, you'll see them.  
(Squall stands up suddenly)  
Squall: oh those guys? they've been asking me for cash for a month!  
(Said guys are Biggs and Wedge, and they walk closer to him)  
Nida: on the count of three run like hell. One... Two... (Squall has already run off) Three... RUN LEO!  
(Squall is running obviously and he breaks into Cid's office, where Cid is in the closet, with an unidentified person. at Nida's instructions he climbs out the window and drops the phone out of the window. It is only two stories high)  
Squall: Drop, or get captured. Drop, or get captured. Hmmm... I'M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS!!!  
(Biggs and Wedge come and 'escort' Squall out of the building)  
(Rinoa, on a chocobo ouside says: SHIT! and drives off) 


	2. Tumbling down the rabbit chute

back, because i liked the reviews and decided i had an audience here, is the Matrix in Final Fantasy 8  
  
i own neither don't sue  
  
this is the result of boredom and a sick mind... my apologies this section has some really juvenile humor... i just couldn't resist it... well it sure beats the stereotype that only boys are perverted.  
  
Biggs and Wedge have 'Leo' in a room that looks like something from the missle base. Biggs sits down at a desk opposite Squall, with Wedge standing behind him. Biggs has a folder out.  
Biggs: uhm... mister... leonheart... uh... i've heard... you're living like three or four lives. something like that. well... we don't like that. so um if you tell us where Nida is we'll um like you. (Wedge bends down and whispers in Biggs' ear) my aide informs me that you may be forced to comply.  
Squall: i have a better deal... you let me out of here and i... fuck you? (Squall is kind of desperate, he doesn't like it here)  
Biggs: sounds good... (wedge whispers in his ear again) but we cannot accept that deal mister leonheart. (wedge casts silence on Squall, who looks around confused. Biggs takes a magnetic bellybutton ring out of his coat pocket and puts it on Squall, who tries to scream but can't)  
  
(Squall wakes up in his bed an hour later and gets a phone call)  
  
Rinoa: hey sexy... this is Rinoa, but you probably knew that... you know, the devil in the leather catsuit from last night? if you want to see me again, do it in person, come to the field of flowers by your mom's house.  
Squall: SHE'S NOT MY MOTHER!  
Rinoa: woman who raised you, whatever. just be there.  
(Squall walks down to the field of flowers. It is raining. The Ragnarok waits to pick him up, and it begins to fly towards the scuzzy bar in Dollet)  
(As soon as he gets into the Ragnarok, he is escorted by two people in black suits, Quistis and Selphie (who looks like a guy), who take him up to a secret room. Selphie goes off to drive, while Quistis watches the following proceedings: Rinoa pushes Squall back onto a couch, forces up his white teeshirt, and notices the bellybutton ring on his navel. She doesn't point it out, she just bends down and sucks it off. it makes a horrible high pitched screaming noise, then she spits it out)  
  
Rinoa: okay baby you're good... no more tap... (Squall just looks confused, but goes along with whatever. Quistis speaks)  
Quistis: Leo, you had been contacted by Nida, whom you believe is the head of our orginization. Well, he's just a front. He has the most official sounding voice and name. He's really just one of our loading guys. You will go in to meet our real head. (The Ragnarok jerks to a stop and Selphie screams)  
Selphie: BOOYAKA! WE'RE HEEERE!!!   
  
(She skips into the room, drags Squall out by the wrist. the others follow them into a building that looks like the Dollet comm tower. Hey, didn't they leave from Dollet? ...whatever. Rinoa and the others lead Squall up the steps in the rain, and stop at the door that goes into the building. Selphie and Quisty go in.)  
Rinoa: before you talk to him i have one piece of advice.  
Squall: and that would be...?  
Rinoa: he's gay. (Squall just looks kind of confused, but Rinoa opens the door. a tall, dark figure stands at the door looking out the window)  
Rajin: Hello Leo, ya know? (as he checks Squall out, Squall looks very confused. Rinoa leads him to one of two revolving chairs, and Rajin sits in the one across from Squall)  
Rajin: well we don't have much time so what's your favorite color?  
Squall: uh... red.  
Rajin: very good swallow this and we'll run down the rabbit hole. (he holds out a red pill)  
Squall: what?  
Rinoa: Rajin, stop confusing the poor boy. Leo, take your drug and we'll get out of here.   
  
(Squall swallows the red pill Rajin gives him, still looking confused. Rinoa and Rajin lead him into a different room with a lot of cables. Also in the room are Quistis, Selphie, and Seifer. Selphie is messing with some computers, Quistis forces Squall into a chair and attatches sensors to him, Rinoa flirts with Seifer and Rajin stands there watching it all)  
  
(Squall looks around and notices a mirror next to him)  
Squall: oh cool a mirror! its all broken... (he reaches out to touch the broken glass, cuts himself, and starts to bleed. all the girls in the room crowd around him uttering 'poor baby'. Seifer takes over the computers and all of a sudden Squall is gone. all girls turn and look angry at Seifer)  
  
(Squall comes to conciousness in a pod of goo. he looks around, noticing his surroundings. he is surrounded by other pods of goo with other people in them. he tries to get a better look at the other's around him, them all being nude. he looks down)  
Squall: HOLY SHIT I'M SMALL!  
(at that minute a robot hears him, comes over and unplugs Squall from the system, and then pulls a little lever. a 'flushing' sound is heard and Squall goes down the hole in back of the pod, screaming like a girl. he is fished out (literally) by Rajin, who carries him to safety as Squall faints) 


	3. The Crew of the 'Rag

The Matrix in FF8 Part III-  
  
The Matrix takes a turn for the yaoi. If you don't like that, it's not my fault.  
  
'Leo' lays on a bed similar to the one in the infirmary, stuck with theraputic needles. various charachters ((you'll meet them later)) walk past and check him out, cuz he's mostly naked. soon, he finds himself in a room that looks like his SeeD Cadet dorm, minus the gunblade case.   
He examines his arms. he has all sorts of odd metal circles with designs in them on his arms, and what looks like wires running between them. the once-dashingly handsome squall now looks like a calculator circutboard. he touches one on the back of his bald head, devoid of its once lavish chocolate hair, and the door opens. Rajin peers in.  
  
"Finally, you're awake buddy! didja know that? come on, my ship wants to meet you. not that they havent already seen you... uh... nevermind that... just follow me ya know..."  
  
Squall is led out into what looks like the dorm hallway. The crew pretty much presents themselves for inspection. Rajin introduces them one by one.  
  
"This is Rinoa," at Rinoa, who blows Squall a kiss, "Seifer," who nods at Squall, "Sephie", at Selphie, "Quisty", at Quistis, "and you haven't met Zell," at Zell, who is the only one present without the circutboard stuff.  
  
Squall feels someone touching his butt.  
  
"Oh yeah, and the touchy-feely one behind you is Irvine." Rajin comments. Squall turns and Irvine looks sheepish.  
  
"Now i'm gonna skip all of the important 'our world is this' because you're smart ya know and if you don't know now you'll figure it out and all that. so i'll just start with Zell loading your programs. go away everone!" and everyone looks annoyed but disperses. Rajin leads Squall to what looks like a chair out of the Ragnarok's passenger bay, with a red imac attatched.  
  
"Hey, i'm Zell, and i'll be your operator. Since he won't tell you, your world wasn't real. it was a computer program, like a video game. you're in the real world now. we're fighting to destroy the video game." Squall nods like he accepts it all, because he does. "Okay, good. So now... this is part of your training... you have complete control of me right now. what do you do?"  
  
Squall presses Zell down into the floor and kisses him harshly for about five minutes, when he lets Zell up.  
  
"Ohkay, wasn't expecting that, but i can't say i'm not pleased..." he smiles to himself. "since i'm your operator and all, that means a LOT of one-on-one time..." Squall smiles. This guy is a lot hotter than that Rinoa whore... "So i guess i have to load the fight programs and stuff... Have a seat." Zell gestures to the chair. Squall sits down, pulling Zell in for another fierce kiss. Zell pulls back. "Baby, i can't say i don't love ya but we have to do this... work and all..."  
  
Squall sighs, and lets Zell strap him in. Zell goes to the computer and messes with the keys for a few minutes.  
  
"There! Now you know everything you'll ever need to know. Fighting, driving, piloting the Rag', pretty much... everything. There's a few other things that I loaded that you'll find out at SOME point... anway, I don't have to prove to our lovely audience that you can whoop Rajin's ass, because you already did that three times in the game. So now since we have all this extra time maybe you should roam around the 'Rag or whatever."  
"Or stay here with you..."  
"Look Leo, you're the one, and I'm nothing special. you're not supposed to pay attention to the operator. i'm an imaginary figment of the background. go... go hit on seifer or something..."  
Zell has a breakdown. Squall shrugs and goes to find Seifer, who is drinking and watching bi porn. he gets Squall drunk and they do things that officially won't be described. rajin tells them to go to their own rooms, to sober off. Rinoa leaves a meal and a caffinated soft drink to help with the drunkeness (but it won't help the hangover).  
  
~fin for this part- if you don't like the yaoi, find another author to do a perverted matrix parody~ 


	4. The Oracle and Beyond!

Woohoo! Um since I couldn't decide between two ideas for the Oracle, I'm using both! Still yaoi. I don't own the Tasty Wheat monologue but I have most of it memorized it might not be 100% correct but you get the idea... If you're confused, i'm switching a role here. Extra credit if you get it. i also utillize footnotes here. (1) corresponds to 1 below, etc.  
  
The Crew goes to the Oracle  
  
The next morning, 'Leo' miraculously finds the mess room and is handed a bowl of goop from Zell. Squall winks at Zell, who pretends not to notice. Squall sits down and Rinoa moves uncomfortably close to him.   
"You know what this stuff tastes like?" Irvine decided to do his infamous monologue. Quistis rolls her eyes and pretends to ignore Irvine completley. But he continues anway.  
"Tasty wheat. Did you ever have tasty wheat back in the Matrix?"  
"Technically neither did you." Quistis was exsasporated from hearing this waaaaay too many times.  
"That's exactly my point! Because maybe the robots didn't know what tasty wheat tasted like. What if what I thought tasty wheat tasted like really tasted like... tunafish or hot dogs?"  
"SHUT UP!!!" Quistis thows her 'tasty wheat' at Irvine. A glob of it drips off of his nose. Rajin sticks his head into the room and gestures for everone to go out to the 'bridge'. Everone gets hooked up to the chair like things and Zell sends them all into the Matrix.  
They all get cell phones and are in black leather suits, except for Quistis who HAS to be different in white. Rinoa throws away her cell phone. Rajin, Squall, and Seifer get into a car driven by Selphie and drive off. Irvine stays behind with a LOT of ammo, and Rinoa and Quistis stay back as guards.  
The car gets to an apartment building. Rajin and Squall get out of the car, go into the building, and take an elevator. The power goes out in the elevator and they are stuck in there for six months trying to figure out how to get out of it!!! (1). Eventually a kid named Corey whispers into the elevator how to get out and they do, then climb up a ladder and go to the correct floor.  
They get to the apartment. Rajin just stands there, so Squall opens the door. Fujin shows them into the next room. A group of kids that look suspicioiusly like the young versions of our heroes (including a strange-looking Little Rajin (2)). Squall watches Little Squall bend a spoon with his mind, then tries it himself. Fujin shows him to the Oracle's room.  
The Oracle's chamber flickers back and forth from Mrs. Dincht's kitchen with Mrs. Dincht cooking in it and Edea's throne room from the second time you fight her with Edea in the throne.   
"Leo..."- Mrs. Dincht " ARE YOU THE ONE?"- Edea  
"I'm... I'm not sure..."- Squall  
"THEN YOU ARE"- Edea "Still waiting for something, dear."- Mrs. Dincht  
"Waiting for what?"- Squall  
"Your next life,"- Mrs. Dincht "MAYBE"-Edea  
"This is weird..."- Squall  
"HERE,"- Edea "Take this hot dog. By the time you are done eating it,"- Mrs. Dincht  
"YOU WILL FEEL BETTER."- Edea.  
Squall takes the hot dog and eats it. It has a drug in it and he indeed does feel better. He walks out and goes back to the building with Morpheus and Seifer.  
(3) The scene changes dramatically. Rinoa is eating cupcakes with Biggs and Wedge.   
"I know that when I put this cupcake into my mouth it is sweet and fluffy. After several years of living without sugar, you know what I noticed? I LOVE THE MATRIX..." Rinoa devoured the cupcake entirley in one bite.  
Biggs flickers and metamorphisises to look like Elrond from LOTR. (4) He looks normal again. He and Rinoa make a deal for her to go back into the Matrix.  
"When I go back, I want to be someone attractive, and rich...and popular with guys clamoring to sleep with me... Like Brittany Spears, only a better singer." (5)  
"Very well, miss Heartilly. If you give us what we want..."  
She shrugs and begins to take her shirt off.  
"No...not that!" Wedge looked annoyed. "We want the acess codes to the Zion mainframe!"  
"Acess codes to what?" Rinoa twirled her hair around her fingers.  
"*sigh*... JUST GET ME RAJIN!!!"   
"Okay, okay..." Rinoa was flustered. "You don't have to get all pushy..."  
Back to where it was earlier. Galbaldian soldiers kill Irvy and everyone else ducks down the wall. Rajin gives himself up for everyone else to escape. Rinoa goes back to the ship early and pulls the plug on everyone except Rajin, Seifer, and Squall. Zell kills Rinoa.  
  
  
1: the author apoligizes greatly for releasing her pent-up frustration with the elevator in Balamb Garden that had me stuck in it for six months. I have issues with that elevator. The guy who helped me out of it is named Corey.  
2. Ever wondered about Little Rajin and Fujin? then read my fic, Fujin and Rajin are Still Alive. It's a Little Fuu/Raj ficcy.  
3. I forgot where this scene was supposed to go, so I stuck it here. I also did this scene as a mild version of my original idea. That idea would have upped the rating to like NC17 or something...  
4. do i have to explain this? *sigh* um... Hugo Weaving plays Agent Smith, represented here by Biggs. He also plays Elrond. He has the same voice, MISTER ANDERSON... (i said that out loud during the film...)  
5. This was an attempt at a subliminal message. Rinoa=Brittany=evil. 


End file.
